Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Here we have a few from a French laguage jokes site, translated, & only included when they translated well as funny in English; these were listed as "adult"

A gynecologist caught Parkinson's disease, but has since made a quick fortune.

A janitor is pregnant. His doctor asks her who the father is. She answers:
- Do you think maybe I have time to
turn around when I clean the stairs?

A guy arrives at the office one morning all beaming and announces to his colleagues:
- Hey, guys, you're all cuckolds!
- And why us? they answer.
- Because last night I slept with my wife!

-= 2 =-
A traveling sales representative returns home at four in the morning. So as not to wake his wife, he undresses before entering the bedroom. He enters quietly.
It was then that he met a man who came out and said to him:
- Good luck, old man. But I advise you to act quickly:
she is expecting her husband at any moment!

-= 3 =-
Jeff Foxworthy's "Redneck Words":

If you've ever been on television more than 5 times Describing what the tornadoes sounded like... You might be a redneck
If you've ever cut your grass and found a car... You might be a redneck
If your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade... You might be a redneck
If you've ever been too drunk to fish... If somebody asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.. If every day somebody comes to your house mistakenly thinking your having a Yard sale
If you've ever had to haul a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend Your sister's honor..
You might be a redneck
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain... You might be a redneck
They always make fun of the way I talk, I keep telling them I said your gonna be
Real surprised when you get into the habit in St. Petersburg and say "Y'all get into the truck, we goin up to the big house." If you've ever financed a tattoo.... If you've ever made change in the offering plate... You might be a redneck
We have words in the south they don't have in other parts of the country.. Now, you come to the south, we have words like...yu'nt to We goin to the mall, yu'nt to?
What letter does that start with, does anybody know? I like this word alot...aight
That's a word in Texas...aight
Round lunch time every day, you'll hear somebody say "hey jeet yet, naw, dju? Yu'nt to? Aight." If you go to the family reunion to meet women.... If you smoked during your wedding.... You might be a redneck
And last but not least
If you see a sign that says say no to crack And it reminds you to pull your jeans up... You might be a redneck

-= 4 =-
ET YOUR VEGETABLES!
Q: What is the strongest vegetable? A: A muscle sprout!

Q: Why did the Tomato take a prune to the movies? A: Hecouldn't find a date.

Q: What vegetable is off-limit to Vegans? A: a ZOO-chini.

Q: When do potatoes argue?
A: When they can't see eye to eye.

Q: Why did the tomato get embarrassed and turn red? A: it saw the chick pea.

Q: How do you grow a chicken in your garden? A: Plant an eggplant

Q: What is small, red, & whispers?
A: a hoarse radish

Q: Why do fungi have to pay double fares? A: They take up too mushroom.

Q: Which vegetables did Noah not take on the Ark? A: Leeks

Q: How do you fix a broken vine fruit? A: Tomato Paste

-= 5 =-
1. Doctor, doctor! I think I'm a bell? Go home and take these and if you're not better soon, give me a ring.

2. Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you in a minute!

3. Doctor, doctor! I've swallowed my pocket money! Take this and we'll see if there's any change.

4. Doctor doctor! I think I'm a shepherd. I wouldn't lose any sheep over it.

5. Doctor, doctor! I feel like a carrot. Don't get yourself in a stew.

6. Doctor doctor! I think I'm at death's door? Don't worry, we'll soon pull you through

7. Doctor, doctor! Do you have something for a headache? Yes, try this hammer.

8. Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of wigwams! Ah yes, the issue is you've become too tense.

9. Doctor, doctor! I get heartburn whenever I eat birthday cake. Next time take the candles off!

-= 6 =-
Ray Romano, famous for his sitcom: "Everruybody Loves Ratymond" & his own stand up career. This is a story of his twin boys when they were still 'babies:' https://www.liveone.com/song/ray-romano/the-tub-story

-= 7 =-
corporate America's anthem?
ôOh Beautiful for smoggy skies,
insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.ö
--George Carlin

-= 8 =-
Driver Math:
Q: What do you get when you cross 1 Cadillac with 1 train? A: 1 widow + 4 orphans - 1 idiot

-= 9 =-
Quotables:

"Wal-Mart is testing out an app that would allow shoppers to skip the checkout line. Currently that service is known as shoplifting." -Conan O'Brien

"Brace yourself, because Kraft has announced that they've gone natural. I first assumed that natural meant they were doing their products in the buff. But they mean they have removed all artificial preservatives, flavors, and dyes from their classic Mac and Cheese recipe. I don't get it. I was not aware, first of all, that a packet of orange dust was a technically a recipe." -Stephen Colbert

-= 10 =-
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.

During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him And the little boy said, "I'm not sure, but I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

-= 2 =-
QUOTABLES:

"A balloon released by a girl in Texas was found this week over 900 miles away in Ohio. Or, more likely, Ohio also has red balloons." -Seth Meyers

"After residents in Birmingham complained about the terrible smell, New York City has agreed to stop sending railcars full of the city's excess sewage to a landfill in Alabama. Yeah, train cars filled with human waste and an unbearable smell--or, as that's called in New York, the subway." -James Corden

"Every appliance with a clock should have a Daylight Savings button to push. You'd only use it twice a year, but that's more than I use the 'Potato' button on my microwave." -Jimmy Kimmel

"The new Florida weapons bill would allow librarians to arm themselves. Now, in a related story, talking in Florida libraries is down 99 percent." -Conan O'Brien

"This week in England, a worker at a factory that makes Coca-Cola cans was caught urinating into the cans. But Coke quickly dealt with the situation by putting a Mountain Dew label on it." -Jimmy Fallon

-= 3 =-
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until Last week, I still had it all! All my meals were prepared for me, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school."

I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"No, nothing like that," he said. "I got out of prison."

-= 4 =-
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

-= 5 =-
"If you clean the receipts out of your purse or wallet and stack them all together, it makes a tiny book about why you're broke."

-= 6 =-
While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn't help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember, hug Daddy first, then the dog."

-= 7 =-
Caller: 'Hi, can you connect me with Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of your user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

-= 8 =-
I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"

-= 9 =-
Two hunters were relaxing in their lodge, making small talk.

One of them asked, "So, what do you hunt?"

"Unicorns," came the surprising answer.

Startled, the first hunter gasped, "Really? How do the hell do you do that?"

"Well, I find a virgin and hire her to help me. They're the only thing that attracts unicorns. I have her wait in the woods until a unicorn comes up to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

The first hunter sighed, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of 'em, but I've never seen one."

The second hunter said, "Yeah, and there ain't many unicorns either."

-= 10 =-
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes, and quarters.

Finally his mother asked the obvious question: "Where did you get all that money?"

"At Sunday school," the boy replied enthusiastically. "They got bowls of it!"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by
yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I
won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancellation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the
legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man
chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about
you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come and
the other time he fell asleep."

-= 2 =-
Ever have a day like this?

"What the hell, Bob?! Why are you half naked on the golf course?"

"& shoving your undershirt into a hole in the ground?"

"Well, Jim, you told me to start by sticking my tee into the ground."

-= 3 =-
When I was younger, porn cost money and water was free.

What happened?

-= 4 =-
I have learned from cows, hippos, and elephants that it is impossible to reduce weight by
eating green grass, salads, and walking.

-= 5 =-
Honestly, I was so thirsty halfway through the night that I nearly choked on my husband's
teeth.

-= 6 =-
Her: I wish I was my rich neighbour's daughter.

Genie: You still have three wishes.

Her: ...

Genie: ...

-= 7 =-
I've been on Facebook for 16 years. I can remember when it was all farmland.

-= 8 =-
Cut flowers is Botanical Castration

-= 9 =-
Q: Why did the bookseller keep "Twilight" in the children's section? A: Because he'd already exceeded smoke emission maximums for his fireplace

-= 10 =-
`# Thank you, ICE-Man, for this one; #~

Politicians talk to the country the way men talk to women. They say, "Trust me, go all the way
with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
trouble.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
~# from the world-famous ICE-Man: #~

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix . He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean. One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.
'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons
without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions, or you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.' The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.. The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question. The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question. Do you think
the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?
Do you think
the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went? Do you think
He is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon? Nooooooo!
This will get a smile out of you!
The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

-= 2 =-
Also from ~# ICEMan @~

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

-= 3 =-
Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.

-= 4 =-
Little bit of edgy today, for those who prefer their humour just SLIGHTLY on the blue side:

Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are non-binary

My new favourite:
Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A re-vulva

In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)

-= 5 =-
At a Long Island house party, a chap invited an attractive girl to go fishing with him on the Sound. After an hour without any luck, he asked, "Do you think we ought to try chumming?"
His companion, a novice at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, "We might as well. They can't see us from there."
--John C. Miller
RD Issue: July 1957

-= 6 =-
King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

-= 7 =-
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.

-= 8 =-
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

-= 9 =-
Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.

I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

-= 10 =-
IÆve just joined a dating group for arsonists.

ItÆs great; they send me new matches every day.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

Directed by Jose' Jalapeno on a stick. <G>

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a
small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every
day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

Time is of the essence. <G>

Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.

Life a fatally transmitted disease.

Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are non-binary

Your punny days are numbered.

My new favourite:
Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A
re-vulva

Never mind starting from scratch. :P

In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)

I tell you what.

-= 5 =-
At a Long Island house party, a chap invited an attractive girl to go fishing with him on the Sound. After an hour without any luck, he
asked, "Do you think we ought to try chumming?" His companion, a novice
at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, "We might as well. They can't see us from there." --John C. Miller
RD Issue: July 1957

Really.

-= 6 =-
King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth
did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

Check, mate. <G>

-= 7 =-
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check,
but the mirror wasn't working.

Must've been made by ACME.

-= 8 =-
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding
at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

Then, the fireflies took it and minaturized it.

-= 9 =-
Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.

I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

It may take awhile either way.

-= 10 =-
I've just joined a dating group for arsonists.

It's great; they send me new matches every day.

Now, we know who's hot stuff.

Daryl

... "Calvin, we will NOT have an anatomically correct snowman!" -Calvin's Mom === MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.

Life a fatally transmitted disease.

Life is a lethal STD.

Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are
non-binary

Your punny days are numbered.

So the Good Book says.

My new favourite:
Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A
re-vulva

Never mind starting from scratch. :P

Before the revulva, you had to STUFF IT before you could fire.

In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand
for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and
describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)

I tell you what.

Yankee: What?
Southerner: I just TOLD you.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one
space at a time.

Check, mate. <G>

He has a checkered past, some say.

-= 7 =-
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check,
but the mirror wasn't working.

Must've been made by ACME.

Did they have Acme in the days of Vlad?

-= 8 =-
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding
at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

Then, the fireflies took it and minaturized it.

Damned Japanese bugs!

-= 9 =-
Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.
I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

It may take awhile either way.

The doctor showed up & told the nurse, "I can't see him today."

-= 10 =-
I've just joined a dating group for arsonists.
It's great; they send me new matches every day.

Now, we know who's hot stuff.

I always knew -- before vampirism messed up my mirrors!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Life is a lethal STD.

I prefer the acronym of "stubborn, temperamental, dog"...especially
if it relates to dachshunds. <G>

So the Good Book says.

None of us is getting out of here alive...just ask the morticians.

Before the revulva, you had to STUFF IT before you could fire.

Making sure the weapon is cocked, I'm sure. <eg>

Yankee: What?
Southerner: I just TOLD you.

Southern DOS? Ya'll Reckon?? Yep/Nope.

He has a checkered past, some say.

It would seem so. I did better at checkers than at chess...
although the checkers doors on the BBS are smarter than me.

Did they have Acme in the days of Vlad?

Ask Wile E. Coyote about that.

Damned Japanese bugs!

It's just hard to change their bulbs when they burn out.

The doctor showed up & told the nurse, "I can't see him today."

He doesn't have a lot of patience.

I always knew -- before vampirism messed up my mirrors!

If you don't believe in laughing, go look in the mirror, and see
what everyone else has been laughing at -- Jerry Clower

Daryl

... What color is a chameleon in a mirror??
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Two for the skin doctors:

Asked the dermatologist if it's possible to transplant hairy donkey skin onto a human's head? Ass skin for a friend. . .

Q: What's a dermatologist's favourite legwear? A: SKINny jeans

-= 2 =-
Q: What has 10 eyes, 10 ears, 10 legs, 10 arms and 10 teeth? A: 5 meth addicts

-= 3 =-
During breakfast, my wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with twitter.

I nearly choked on my #brown.

-= 4 =-
My body's just ran out of magnesium.

0mg!

-= 5 =-
~# via J. Harris, in Fidonet's FUNNY #~

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house." --Gene Perret, Classic One-Liners RD Issue: June 1997

-= 6 =-
Q: What's black and white, and red all over?

A: a sunburnt nun with a newspaper, riding a blushing zebra.

-= 7 =-
A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!

The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

-= 8 =-
Two from Quora's "Jokes, Humour & Funny stories [lack of Oxford comma SIC]

I was driving drunk last week and ran over a pig, I told my mate and he said not to worry about it, he said shit happens, I said ôOh, thatÆs cool, now what shall I do with his motorbike?ö

My neighbour said to his wife, ôThese crab paste sandwiches just donÆt taste right, where did you get the crab paste?ö And she said, ôFrom the chemistö ("from the pharmacy" elsewhere in the world)

-= 9 =-
Do you have ARADD (Age-Related Attention Deficit Disorder) like this guy?

I needed to do the laundry,

but then I realized I was out of detergent,

so I went to write a shopping list and realized how unorganized the junk drawer was,

and started checking pens for ink.

When I went to toss all the junk,

I saw that the trash was full but before I took it out I wanted to get rid of old food in the fridge.

That's when I realized a juice jug had leaked so I needed to clean it up but when I went to grab a rag,

I saw that the pantry closet was a nightmare so I started organizing it.

And that's how I ended up on the floor looking at my old photo albums from 1990's and not doing laundry.

-= 10 =-
Q: What language does Santa Claus speak? A: Polish (as in North Polish)

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

If you don't believe in laughing, go look in the mirror, and see
what everyone else has been laughing at -- Jerry Clower

If 1 person calls you an ass, ignore him; if 2 call you one, laugh it off; if 3 call you one, check in the mirror for donkey ears.

If 1 person says you have no sense of humour, ignore them If 2 say you don't, laugh it off.
If you can't laugh it off, then they're right.

... What color is a chameleon in a mirror??

[true answer]
It'll depend on the temperature of the mirror -- recent research suggests it's not the colour itself they adapt to, but the underlying colour.

Q: What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours? A: a reptile dysfunction

A chameleon stole an apple once.
It was caught red handed.

You'd never find me wearing a chameleon costume.

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said "that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

If 1 person calls you an ass, ignore him; if 2 call you one, laugh it
off; if 3 call you one, check in the mirror for donkey ears.

Especially if when you sneeze, you go "Hee Haw". <G>

If 1 person says you have no sense of humour, ignore them If 2 say you don't, laugh it off. If you can't laugh it off, then they're right.

As Roger Rabbit said "If you don't have a sense of humor, you're better
off dead".

Q: What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours? A: a
reptile dysfunction

That was what the alligator had when he couldn't chase and catch his
prey as fast as he used to.

A chameleon stole an apple once.
It was caught red handed.

But, did the apple change color.

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling
some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said "that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"

I'll bet his jokes were really colorful.

Daryl

... Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

Asked the dermatologist if it's possible to transplant hairy donkey
skin onto a human's head? Ass skin for a friend. . .

If his fanny is fantastic in what it does, does he have a smart ass??

Q: What's a dermatologist's favourite legwear? A: SKINny jeans

I'm trans-slender...I identify as skinny.

My body's just ran out of magnesium.

0mg!

Go for vitamitavegamin - Lucille Ball's tonic. <G>

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin
the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I
owned my own house." --Gene Perret, Classic One-Liners RD Issue: June
1997

They probably do more than kiss now. :P

Q: What's black and white, and red all over?

A: a sunburnt nun with a newspaper, riding a blushing zebra.

That covers it. Would instructions for a hanging be known as noose
paper??

The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!

That'll teach him a lesson!!

I was driving drunk last week and ran over a pig, I told my mate and he said not to worry about it, he said shit happens, I said "Oh, that's cool, now what shall I do with his motorbike?"

I said to a co-worker once "Feces Occurs". She looked at me with the
deer in the headlights look. When I "translated it", she howled with
laughter, and said "I'm going to tell my sister". <G> The next day, I
asked her if there was the same reaction...she grinned, "Yep". :)

Daryl

... I was up all night wondering where the sun went, but then it dawned on me. === MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

A chameleon stole an apple once.
It was caught red handed.

But, did the apple change color.

Why? The chameleon changed to match the red apple's colour. . .

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling
some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said
"that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a
lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"

I'll bet his jokes were really colorful.

But not off-colour. . .

Q: What's brown & sounds like a bell? A: Dung.

Q: What's green & smells like red paint? A: Green paint.

Q: Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain? A: Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

I said to a co-worker once "Feces Occurs". She looked at me with the
deer in the headlights look. When I "translated it", she howled with laughter, and said "I'm going to tell my sister". <G> The next day, I
asked her if there was the same reaction...she grinned, "Yep". :)

I love when my jokes or puns get secondary life. . .

I'm a stinker; if asked to translate I'd likely have said, "Manure takes place" & keep on coming up with a new pair of synonyms until they clue in, or as is more usual, someone else gives it away! *at which I say, "Dammit, I could've got 3 more in before she got it!"

I tend to always bushwhack when asked to translate my punny euphemisms, like, on hearing a bad person has left town, I'll say, "G.F.R." & translate it to just "Good riddance."

This way they can't get offended, because only they supply the so-called offensive element.

& when I tel one of these stuck up prigs to "get bent" & they are dumb enough to ask what that means, I say, "Imagine you don't just look & act like a hippo or rhino, but you smell like one in heat, & a male of the species is running towards you, & you have a wardrobe malfunction & are standing there, bent, with no clothes on. . . This is my thinking when I tell you to get bent. It's my new "Happy Place," picturing that scene.


--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

But, did the apple change color.

Why? The chameleon changed to match the red apple's colour. . .

Plus, he was seeing red.

I'll bet his jokes were really colorful.

But not off-colour. . .

Q: What's brown & sounds like a bell? A: Dung.

That one stinks.

Q: What's green & smells like red paint? A: Green paint.

Substitute your favorite color...but, there's not one for plaid. :P
When I worked in silkscreen printing, we had a color chart that had to
be replaced yearly, as the fluorescent lights would discolor it. It was
known as a Pantone Matching System chart...a colorful version of PMS. :P

Q: Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain? A:
Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told
Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".

They talk and spell funny compared to the US. <G>

Daryl

... JavaScript: Instructions on how to make a pot of coffee.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Q: What's green & smells like red paint? A: Green paint.

Substitute your favorite color...but, there's not one for plaid. :P
When I worked in silkscreen printing, we had a color chart that had to
be replaced yearly, as the fluorescent lights would discolor it. It was
known as a Pantone Matching System chart...a colorful version of PMS. :P

Not So useful a colour-matching chart when it no longer was the colour it was supposed to represent, eh?

They still use the Pantone charts, in some paint stores -- I guess it was a useful & enduring creation -- although I might trust a computer image better, as it won't discolour over time. . .

Q: Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain? A:
Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told
Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".

They talk and spell funny compared to the US. <G>

Umm, yeah, they somehow, prior to to the existence of the US, botched the language?

I like the meme that plays on the oft-seen Chinese translation: "Simplified / Traditional" by saying:
English:
Traditional (UK flag)
Simplified (US Flag)

Canada is a funny one; we spell UK, bit pronounce US.

Australia has their own words; whatever looks right after 8 pints of warm pissy tasting beer is valid & defend to their death anyone's disagreement of your rendition.

Irish English is what you get after getting hammered on Guinness Stout then getting into a dozen bar fights

Fitzhenry & Fitzpatrick were in court, answering to charges of fighting in a local pub.

The judge asked Fitzpatrick what instigated the fight & he answered, "Well, your honour, he had a broken beer bottle in his left hand, & a knife in his right."

"& what did you have yin your hand?" asked hizzonner

"Mrs. Fitzhenry's tit, & a fine thing it was sir, but not much good in a fight, I'll tell ya."

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Not So useful a colour-matching chart when it no longer was the colour
it was supposed to represent, eh?

The fluorescent lights caused the colors to fade.

They still use the Pantone charts, in some paint stores -- I guess it
was a useful & enduring creation -- although I might trust a computer image better, as it won't discolour over time. . .

That is true.

Umm, yeah, they somehow, prior to to the existence of the US, botched
the language?

Pardon me, I speak doofus. <G>

Canada is a funny one; we spell UK, bit pronounce US.

One letter does make the difference.

Australia has their own words; whatever looks right after 8 pints of
warm pissy tasting beer is valid & defend to their death anyone's disagreement of your rendition.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion. <G>

Irish English is what you get after getting hammered on Guinness Stout then getting into a dozen bar fights

When someone talked about the Grinch messing with the Christmas gifts on
a ham radio net last night, I growled "I resemble that remark". I said that
I sent Santa a letter saying "Define Naughty"...he's skipping my place. <G>

Fitzhenry & Fitzpatrick were in court, answering to charges of fighting
in a local pub.

The judge asked Fitzpatrick what instigated the fight & he answered, "Well, your honour, he had a broken beer bottle in his left hand, & a knife in his right."

"& what did you have yin your hand?" asked hizzonner

"Mrs. Fitzhenry's tit, & a fine thing it was sir, but not much good in
a fight, I'll tell ya."

Thanks for the mammaries, it was the breast of times, for a titilating experience, just to get the booby prize, bra none. <G>

It's Monday...time to be in a nether mood. <G>

Daryl

... Bad Day: You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by
yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I
won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancellation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Q: What was the mathematical acorn's first word, twenty years after falling from his parent?
A: Geometry ("Gee, I'm a tree!")

-= 2 =-
Funny clean comic; he hits the points just right -- beautiful timing throughout "I am an Idiot" -- Ken Davis full show https://youtu.be/PP-NdFvRBEI

-= 3 =-
Redd Foxx on why he likes women over the age of 40: They don't yell, they don't tell, they don't swell, & they're grateful as hell.

-= 4 =-
Some ethnic jokes reworded
Shout out to Prime Minister Justin True-Dope of Canada Q: Did you hear about the politician Santa Claus? A: He showed up for Easter!
Q: How many politicians do you need to shingle your roof? A: Just 9, if you slice them real thin
& just one more. . .
An Irishman, an Italian and a politician are on death row, awaiting electrocution.
The warden takes the first man, and asks him if he has any last words.
He says, 'I'm
innocent. Perhaps years from now, evidence will show I"m telling the truth'.
The warden says, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. I was
hoping you would say
something so that the family of the man that you killed, would have some closure'.
They strap the Irishman into the chair, and the warden tells them to
throw the switch.
Nothing happens. The executioner wiggles the handle, throws the switch
again, nothing.
The warden comes down, and says, 'That was a million to one chance; but,
you know the
rules, you survived the execution, so you will now go free'.
The Irishman is ecstatic, gets up shakes the warden's hand, and says,
'See, I told you! God
has saved me because I'm innocent! I will dedicate the rest of my life, to helping spread the
word of god, I will only do good works from now on Thank you, sir, I'm very lucky to have had
this second chance in life'.
Then they walk the Italian in; again the warden asks if he has any final words.
The Italian says, 'I'm an innocent; yoosa making a big mistake'.
The warden shakes it off, and says, 'Yeah, I've heard that one
before'.
They strap him into the chair, and throw the switch. Again, nothing,
again and again.
The warden comes in, and says, 'This is amazing; this the second time in
a row that this has
happened; it has to be a billion to one chance. It must be a sign from god that you're telling
the truth. I'm sorry I doubted you. You may go free'.
The Italian gets up, joyful, tear in his eyes, and says, 'Thanka you
thanka you thanka you!
I'a wasa so ascared, anda yet, chance hasa smiled ona me! He gets up and leaves.
Then they bring in the politician. The warden again asks, 'Do you have
any final words?'
The politician says, 'Yes. But first, look, that chair is unplugged'.

-= 5 =-
Got my sister's whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each
other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad

Me: I'm a faux pas.

-= 6 =-
A Cyberpope original:

Q: What's a duck's favourite actor? A: AFFLECK!

-= 7 =-
Q: What's the difference between coffee and urine? A: About 35 minutes

-= 8 =-
Responding to a Christian spouse that says, during an argument, "Let he who is without sin
cast the first stone."

Then you say, "Jesus is my Lord and I am SANCTIFIED!" as you crack them across the head
with a 2-pound rock!

-= 9 =-
"A lot of sh** went between them; they were apart for a long time, but now they are back
together."
"Who, Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston?"
"Nope, my butt cheeks."

-= 10 =-
Saw these ladies on Montreal's Just for Laughs this week & rather liked the tune & the silly
funniness of the traditional English poem set to folk-y music: https://genius.com/Flo-and-joan-lady-in-the-woods-live-lyrics
(scroll to bottom to find vid link or go to the YouTube vid: https://youtu.be/_EzdloMKkDg

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)