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  • Reader's Digest Humour in Uniform

    From Jay Harris@1:229/664 to All on Sat Oct 22 07:01:16 2022
    WHAT REALLY MATTERS
    Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been
    canceled for the second time, but that our semi-annual physical-fitness test was still on as planned. "Does it bother anyone else," one soldier asked, "that the Army doesn't seem concerned with how well we can shoot, yet is extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

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    * Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)
  • From Jay Harris@1:229/664 to All on Sun Oct 23 07:55:12 2022
    PAPA BEAR
    My husband's cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears -- one in a
    UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. "See, Connor?" he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. "That's Daddy." Connor's eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, "You used to be a bear?" Submitted by Robin Yedlock

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    * Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)
  • From Jay Harris@1:229/664 to All on Mon Oct 24 07:02:46 2022
    STANDING VIOLATION
    Sign above the toilet in a women's latrine at Camp Ripley in Minnesota: "If you are reading this sign while using this latrine, you are in the wrong
    one." Mike Lins, Savage, Minnesota

    (C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/jokes/military

    --- Binbrook, ON: Clear +7C, UV Index: 1
    * Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)
  • From Jay Harris@1:229/664 to All on Tue Oct 25 07:51:12 2022
    UNCLEAN
    Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home one evening to tell me he would be late. "Dirty magazines were
    discovered in the platoon quarters," he said, "and the whole squad is being disciplined."
    I launched into a tirade, arguing that Marines should not be penalized for something so trivial.
    My husband interrupted. "Honey, when I said 'dirty magazines,' I meant the clips from their rifles hadn't been cleaned."

    (C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/jokes/military

    --- Unknown location; please try ~43.1209489,-79.8038923
    * Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)
  • From Jay Harris@1:229/664 to All on Wed Oct 26 07:34:10 2022
    BAND OR OFFICER
    While serving as chief medical officer at Fort Ritchie in Maryland, I
    attended a nearby wedding. Since it was a formal affair at a country club, I went in my officer's dress blue uniform. Once at the club, I drove up to the entrance, where the doorman promptly came to the passenger door and assisted my wife out of the car. He then made his way to my side. But before I could get out, he pointed to the other end of the building and said, "The band entrance is that way." --Gordon Van Otteren

    (C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/jokes/military

    --- Binbrook, ON: Partly cloudy +12C, UV Index: 1
    * Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)
  • From Jay Harris@1:229/664 to All on Thu Oct 27 07:38:28 2022
    DOING WHAT YOU ARE TOLD
    The colonel who served as inspector general in our command paid particular attention to how personnel wore their uniforms. On one occasion he spotted a junior airman with a violation. "Airman," he bellowed, "what do you do when a shirt pocket is unbuttoned?"
    The startled airman replied, "Button it, sir!"
    The colonel looked him in the eye and said, "Well?"
    At that, the airman nervously reached over and buttoned the colonel's shirt pocket.

    (C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/jokes/military

    --- Binbrook, ON: Partly cloudy +4C, UV Index: 1
    * Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)
  • From Jay Harris@1:229/664 to All on Fri Oct 28 07:13:18 2022
    WHAT REALLY MATTERS
    Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been
    canceled for the second time, but that our semi-annual physical-fitness test was still on as planned. "Does it bother anyone else," one soldier asked, "that the Army doesn't seem concerned with how well we can shoot, yet is extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

    (C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/jokes/military

    --- Binbrook, ON: Clear -1C, UV Index: 1
    * Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)
  • From Jay Harris@1:229/664 to All on Sat Oct 29 07:25:44 2022
    NO SMOKING
    I was in our local VA hospital when a clerk began scolding a veteran who'd
    lit up a cigarette in a no-smoking area. "Sir!" she barked. "When did you start smoking?"

    (C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/jokes/military

    --- Binbrook, ON: Clear -1C, UV Index: 1
    * Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)
  • From Jay Harris@1:229/664 to All on Sun Oct 30 07:16:46 2022
    NO-SENSE SENSOR
    A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts. "Do you know where the sensor is located?" my coworker asked. "Of course," he responded. "It's where we park the helicopters." Angelo Giordano, Bellevue, Nebraska

    (C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/jokes/military

    --- Binbrook, ON: Clear -0C, UV Index: 1
    * Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)
  • From Jay Harris@1:229/664 to All on Mon Oct 31 07:10:12 2022
    NO-SENSE SENSOR
    A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts. "Do you know where the sensor is located?" my coworker asked. "Of course," he responded. "It's where we park the helicopters." Angelo Giordano, Bellevue, Nebraska

    (C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/jokes/military

    --- Binbrook, ON: Clear +5C, UV Index: 1
    * Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to Jay Harris on Tue Nov 1 07:37:16 2022
    SGT. NIMROD
    I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, "Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard." The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt. Gary Toohard. G. C., via mail

    That's like the new sergeant, reading from the roll call list his corporal had given him; he was going through, one by one, getting the chorus of "Here, Sir." as expected, one at a time, until he got tot he last name on the page, & he repeated "Sibak?" getting angrier & angrier that one of his privates should not have showed up.

    Finally his corporal came up to him, flipped the page for him, & the sarge was able to finish roll call with hardly a titter in front of him. (they weren't stupid, these new grunts)

    Bonus topical punny because I can:

    Drill Sergeant: I didnĘt see you at the camouflage drill today Soldier: Sir! Thank You, Sir!

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to Jay Harris on Tue Nov 1 07:38:18 2022
    WHAT REALLY MATTERS
    Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second time, but that our semi-annual physical-fitness test was still on as planned. "Does it bother anyone else," one soldier asked, "that the Army doesn't seem concerned with how well we can shoot, yet is extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

    It's not "retreating," it's advancing after a company About Face!

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to Jay Harris on Tue Nov 1 07:53:10 2022
    UNCLEAN
    Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home one evening to tell me he would be late. "Dirty magazines were discovered in the platoon quarters," he said, "and the whole squad is being disciplined."

    Hopefully the magazines weren't S&M, B&D themed!)

    Playboy are coming out with a new magazine, especially for married men. Every month it's exactly the same woman.

    old news item:
    A group of monks started a business outside the playboy mansion.

    They opened up a stand selling flowers, but Heff called the 5-0 and got them shut down. They said they would've gotten away with it anywhere else.. But I guess only Hugh can stop florist friars.




    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)
  • From Dallas Vinson@1:123/256 to George Pope on Thu Nov 3 00:26:39 2022
    Drill Sergeant: I didnĘt see you at the camouflage drill today Soldier: Sir! Thank You, Sir!

    If I EVER called my Sgt "sir" I got a SERIOUS ass chewing. Only Officers are called sir. Non-coms are addressed by their rank, because THEY work for a living. :)

    --- Mystic BBS v1.12 A47 2021/09/29 (Windows/64)
    * Origin: Legends of Yesteryear (furmenservices.net:23322) (1:123/256)
  • From George Pope@1:153/757 to Dallas Vinson on Fri Nov 25 08:53:00 2022
    Drill Sergeant: I didnĘt see you at the camouflage drill today Soldier:
    Sir! Thank You, Sir!
    If I EVER called my Sgt "sir" I got a SERIOUS ass chewing. Only Officers are called sir. Non-coms are addressed by their rank, because THEY work for a living. :)

    Don't well-trained soldiers call EVERYBODY Sir & Ma'am?

    I've noticed they use the terms in civilian life quite readily.

    People call me sir & I look around & ask, "Do you see a fleeping horse or suit of armour? I'm just a working joe. . ."

    --- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
    * Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)