On Sat, 14 Jun 2025 6:33:27 +0000, HarryLime wrote:

Will Dockery wrote:
On Sat, 14 Jun 2025 0:56:24 +0000, HarryLime wrote:

Will Dockery wrote:

Quicksilver

However possible
through magic or other means
let's make it work.

Let me light
whatever spark you need
to take you from your pain.

Can you stand it
living this life at top speed
you need to slow down... somehow.

-Will Dockery

***
(Original text restored.)

Reviewed at the author's request.

However possible
through magic or other means
let's make it work.

If we assume that line breaks stand in for commas, this would actually
be a sentence. Let's all break out the champagne!

It's a dull, clich‚d sentence, expressing an even duller thought... but
it is a sentence nonetheless.

It's also a little odd that the speaker relies on magic to make the
relationship work, rather than on things that might actually work:
honesty, mutual respect, consideration for one another's needs, etc.


Let me light
whatever spark you need
to take you from your pain.

More clich‚s. This is also a sentence, so I have to concede that in
this respect alone, the Donkey is on a roll.

Most people would say "take away your pain" rather than "take you from
your pain." The former implies that the pain will be removed for good;
the latter is more akin to running away from it (a temporary solution at >>> best).

But Will isn't any more capable of helping someone to overcome
their pain, than he is of honesty, respect, or consideration.

He wants to play the role of Prince Charming, rescuing the damsel in
distress... but it never advances beyond the land of make-believe.

Can you stand it
living this life at top speed
you need to slow down... somehow.

The first two lines form a question, and a question mark is required
after "speed."
The final line serves as a separate sentence, and should be capitalized. >>>
This stanza seems out of place with the two that went before. The
speaker has gone from wanting to work together ("Let's make it work"),
to wanting to play Prince Charming ("Let me light the spark...") to
blaming his partner for living too fast ("It's all your fault, b**ch!"). >>>
Then again, shifting the blame entirely onto others is a Donkey
specialty.

The poem is mercifully brief -- comprising two complete sentences (a
rarity in Fragmentist works!) and one run-on sentence. The narrative is >>> unbearably clich‚d in the first two stanzas, only to take a much less
common, egocentric turn in the final one.

Were the poem intentionally trying to depict the speaker as a
self-centered, narcissistic a**hole with delusions of grandeur and no
clue as to how to maintain a healthy relationship, it could make for a
darned good poem. As is, however, it's easily summed up, and summarily
dismissed, with a "meh."

The "magic" reference was taken directly from real life, as the lady
this poem was written to was a Wiccan, regularly using magic of various
types to try to sway events and people.

Unfortunately, there's nothing in the poem that even implies that the
poem was addressed to a Wiccan. I've written several poems addressed to witches (Wiccan and otherwise), but made it clear that they were
witches, and carried the witchcraft theme throughout.

Your readers don't know the story of your life, and unless you provide
them with specific information in your poem, they are not going to have
any idea of what you are referring to.

First and foremost, a poet *must* be able to successfully communicate
his ideas through his writing. Even modern poems manage to communicate
their ideas (often too prosaically for my taste). Readers can only
figure out the meaning/symbolism/metaphors/layers of a poem *based on
the information that the poet supplies*.

Okay, I can see how my poem is possiblity too subtle.

At the time I felt that it conveyed the situation well, and in fact was
a bit of a personal note to a specific person at the time.

***

Quicksilver.

However possible
through magic or other means
let's make it work.

Let me light
whatever spark you need
to take you from your pain.

Can you stand it
living this life at top speed
you need to slow down... somehow.

-Will Dockery

***

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