John wrote:
One Windy Day.
################
On a windy day,
She was three things, she was one.
The heart of my love.
? J.
It's *wrong*. It feels *wrong*. It doesn't have the "spring". I'm
sure that I can do better.
I need to think on this.
That Windy Day.
################
She became three things
She remained forever one
All the love I have.
? J.
Hmmm, better-ish, but the last line is iccky. It's a bit nicer than
"The love of my life", I think but not by much.
On A Windy Day.
################
She became three things
She remained forever one
The love of my life.
? J.
Yep, that last line is dreadful.
############################
Okay:
The Day That Changed It All.
############################
She was three and one.
Fianc‚e, Bride, glowing wife.
The one I would hold.
? J.
Okay. That's *better*, but still not perfect.
Damnit, I want *her* opinion. :)
J.
Thanks for sharing.
This response appears in the discussion at:
http://www.jlaforums.com/viewtopic.php?p=705291654#705291654
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